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Peter: ...and that is how I got Liza Minnelli's poop on my shoe.
[Peter, Joe, and Quagmire laugh, but Cleveland doesn't react]
Peter: Hey, what's your problem, Cleveland?
Cleveland: I just had a trbl day.
Peter: [sighs] Okay...what happened?
Cleveland: [in tears] My divorce was finalized and I lost the house to Loretta!
Peter: Oh, my God, I've never seen a black guy cry before. I always thought you guys just got more pissed off.
Quagmire: Geez, Cleveland, where're you gonna live?
Cleveland: I dunno. Quagmire, could I stay on your gross couch?
Quagmire: No, I need that for humping strangers.
Cleveland: How 'bout you, Joe? Can I stay at your house?
Joe: No.
Cleveland: I understand. Plus, it's not just me. I also got custody of Cleveland, Jr.
Peter: What is he? Fourteen years old now?
Cleveland: Yep.
Peter: Man, he aged faster than Kathleen Turner.

[Peter is wearing a huge rocket on his back]
Peter: Light it, Brian!
Brian: Peter, I don't wanna do this!
Peter: Light it! It's the only way I'm gonna get that bird, now LIGHT IT!
Road Runner: Beep beep!
Peter: Here he comes!
[The bird zips by, Brian lights it, and Peter flies through the air, crashing into Cleveland's house, who is, yep, you guessed it, taking a bath]
Cleveland: No no no no no NO!!! [crash!] Doggone it! That's it! No more!! I'm tired of being kicked around by this world!
Brian: [off-screen] I'm really sorry, Cleveland.
Cleveland: It's alright.
Brian: I tried to stop him.
Cleveland: I don't blame you, Brian. You're a DOG!! A DOG!!!!

Cleveland: Oh, it can't get any worse than this.
Cleveland Jr.: [from the bathroom] Daddy, can you come wipe me?

Stewie Griffin: Bye, chocolate people.

Stewie Griffin: What the hell, he's getting his own show?

Quagmire: Touch...touch boobs...

Holt: I gotta go get my dinner on. I'll come by later. Bring the new Dave. Live in Austin. Sick.

Tim: Boy, Cleveland seemed really sad.
Lester: Yeah, I thought they just got more pissed off.

Cleveland Jr.: Are we gonna have a pool in California?
Cleveland: Maybe. We'll see what amenities they have for us.
Cleveland Jr.: In our kitchen, will our freezer be on top of the fridge, next to the fridge, or one of those that's a drawer on the bot...
Cleveland: I DUNNO!!!
Cleveland Jr.: I thought pursuing your dreams was supposed to make you happy, not a big douche.

Cleveland: Hear that, chump? This nice fat ass is mine!
Robert: You ain't seen the last of me! Yo! Say, bird, let's rip this joint. These are just a couple of jive-ass turkeys anyhow.
Bird: Dat's what I was tellin' you befo'!

Preacher: I present Mr. and Mrs. Cleveland Brown!
[Everyone cheers]
Lester: You're okay with having a black guy as a fourth friend? I mean, you know...
Tim: Well, we got a black president it's about time we had a black friend. Hey, we can talk to him about the President!
Cleveland: Well, I may not be a baseball scout, but I think I just hit a home run!
Donna: Me too.
Roberta: I guess I could get used to havin' a Dad again
Cleveland, Jr.: and I could get used to having a brother and sister
Rallo: Well, if we ain't the black Brady Bunch!
Cleveland: Except I'm not a gay architect and my wife's not sleeping with my son!
[They all laugh]
Cleveland, Jr.: Not yet!
Cleveland: Ho ho!

Previous Episode's Quotes /// Pilot's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes

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